becoming

"beauty in the becoming"

Those words came one night and I wrote them down.

Here I am, and I don't know what I'm doing. There are days that begin easy and end hard, and days that begin cast in cement (aka really hard) and stay that way. Call me Han Solo, because on those days I just feel like I'm stuck hanging on the wall of an alien gangster's club. Pretty icky.

I don't know what to write about all of it. I've been trying to formulate words to describe "lately" but nothing captures it all. To describe these past few months as "beauty in the becoming" doesn't really seem accurate. It's been pretty ugly. I've been made more aware of my flesh and I'm not really a fan. Coming to realize that I have life less figured out than I thought.

I desperately would like to see where the "beauty" comes in to the picture. Maybe my definition of beauty is being redefined. Taken from it's shallow, vain resting place to be put in the fire to be purified.

*Note: Fire burns, oh and it hurts like Sheol

This might be where things come together. Before I moved back, back to the place I once called home - Jesus whispered of the trail ahead. He breathed "healing". More and more as I dwell on healing and what that means, I'm reminded of a burn victim. The process of healing for a burn victim begins in tearing away at the dead flesh left mauled by the flames. Not once, but twice, and three times, and more.

The healing that is desired for the burns to heal, involves tearing away at everything visible. It begins with digging deep. And it hurts. But that is the only way to heal.

I'm not saying Jesus dragged me to this place to throw me in a fire and watch the flames lick my flesh. I've done a pretty good job at dancing with the fire myself. He comes in as the blisters form, skin touched by the fire of this fallen place. Whether I jumped too close or someone else yanked me over.

He lays me down. The great Physician takes my hand and says, "This is going to hurt, but feeling is only for the moment. The healing I desire for you requires this and you can trust me. My hopes for your life exceed any single anticipation you have. The work I do here will last, it is not simply a salve that sits on the skin. My hands will dig deep in to the wounds and I will bring beauty where there once was just ash."

Beauty in the becoming.
Healing.
Refinement.
by His hands.

let's be real: cuss words & Jesus with a megaphone

These last few weeks I've said more cuss words than I care to count, ate more bowls of ice cream than I care to admit, and watched an innumerable amount of Office episodes. That feels like a fair summary; however, there's a lot more stewing beneath my dairy stained pj's (and I don't just mean a hungry tummy).

You see, God does this funny thing when we ask Him for something.....He answers.

It was brought to my attention over coffee one evening that so often we ask God for something or to teach us something without really anticipating or wanting to be taught. Like patience for example, we assume that having to stand in one line for twenty minutes was our lesson. BAM! Patience on lock.
Thank you Jesus for teaching me patience. "Woohoo!" for you, you stood in a line with twenty-eight other people and you didn't even think a bad word or tap your foot with impatience.

Oh boy, I don't think that's it.

This year I've been learning. ALOT. (Grammar not included because I can't remember if there's suppose to be a space between "a" and "lot" in this situation.) Conversations with Jesus have included lots of talk about adventure. Ironically, one of my favorite quotes about adventure is from the documentary 180 South and says, "...adventure is when everything goes wrong. That's when the adventure starts."

I'm rethinking my favorite quotes list.....

It's funny, as I've been walking along and the trail has gotten harder, the brush thicker, and a few branches have snapped back in my face - it's harder to hear. Man am I glad that Jesus has a megaphone because even as I've whirled in the white noise of lies, He comes in loud and clear.

"YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN ALONE!" - Jesus

That one came today. It came blasting through the overhead speaker at the pity party I was throwing for myself that DJ Devil so kindly offered to provide free entertainment for.

"I am enough. I am rest." again He speaks and I am reminded that is journey is not for comfort. It's not so I'll be able to stand in a long line with a genuine smile on my face. This adventure of learning in the "going wrong" is that I may know more fully the depth of love of my Father. His desire is not for disaster to overcome, but that I may be reminded that He overcame. In Him I am embraced by grace - the arms of a Savior that has walked in my place.

I'm still tripping my way down this trail. Some days I just really wish I drove a car that never had problems and that I didn't have to worry about a check passing the bank. In those moments still, He is present. As I kick and scream and cry, He brushes me off and picks me up and takes my hand as we continue on. On this road called "Adventure" where everything may go wrong, Jesus carries a megaphone and reminds me I am never alone.

thank you

Transition mode: initiated.
One job over, the other beginning.
Four hour commute.
Packing boxes.

This has been the bare bones of life the last two weeks. The flesh being all the bittersweet moments in between. I can't say enough to thank the friends and family that have walked the last few weeks with me, and really this entire year been faithful to walk beside and point me back to Him. I am humbled to tears by their grace and generosity. I've been a messy sight to behold on some days, yet these brothers and sisters have taken me as I've come. Tear stains and upset words, exhausted body and overwhelmed brain. They were there. Whether present in the moment or a skype/phone call away. (Good thing we have a flat rate phone bill, right mama? ;)  )

So this is me saying thank you. I know it really isn't much, but I know I really can't repay y'all all that you have showered upon me! Right there is one way you've pointed me back to Jesus and shown me Him again and again. Grace extended - not for gain.

Thank you for putting flesh-action to the Gospel. You are all incredible!!

through His lens - wrap up

Tying this series up with a pretty, little bow. Lots of lessons learned in the choosing. Choosing to see with Eyes Eternal. Not once, but over and over and over again. I'm beginning to tap my foot along with this rhythm, the beat of blessing. Starting to singing along with the melody, voice following notes up & down. As the song grows louder, or as my ears grow deaf, filled with the noise of this temporary, broken home we call earth - He sings it still. Over me, around me, filling every crevasse of my day with Sound Divine. This soundtrack being played over the hours as I choose to see through His lens, with kaleidoscope eyes. The broken glass - spinning, as the lyrics of Love tumble over my shoulders -embracing.

what I really need now: anapauō

After reading this article by Tsh on Storyline Blog all that is within me is nodding and whispering a tired "yes".

These weeks and days have been running long in the most beautiful, encouraging, hard, exhausting way. The way only life being lived deep and wide can. Yet, there is still a need for Rest.

Here comes my continual struggle to say no and to slow. You see, Leslie Knope and I are kindred spirits when it comes to our love of lists. Not just that, but quality time with people truly makes my heart do happy cartwheels (the only kind of cartwheel any part of me is capable of).

I'm right in the middle of this struggle. This isn't a "Oh look, I've figured it out!" situation, or a "Wow, so good to have walked through and learned that. Won't do that again!" scenario. Nope. I'm here and I don't entirely know the "way out" or the lesson to be learned. I'm fighting the pull to try to figure it out.

Right here and right now, what is needed is Rest. A nap, a meal, a snuggly blanket, and quiet moments in the arms of the Ever-Present Father. Not another crossed-off item on my list or post written about what it means to truly Rest, because to be honest - I don't know.

Maybe you're here too, which would be kinda nice because then I wouldn't be alone. (Selfish, I know. Oops.) And I say these next words while fighting every pro-active-can-do-get-er-done bone in my body:

Let's do NOTHING. Let's take some time, away and Rest. And let's not try to figure this all out.

through His lens - week 7

Life has been in the to-do lists & time sheets, the espresso grinding & bubble filled sink, the phone calls in transit & cat naps in cars,
the songs written & the dance parties had, the day trips & fireside nights.

Hope woven in and lessons of where true Rest resides. Here I sit & stand & stumble - learning that Hope is the joyful expectation of Eternal realities.

through His lens week 5 & 6

Honesty.

Here we go.

These past two weeks have been all over. Days long and full. Some ended in exhaustion & tears, others robust with laughter & singing. Nights that run late and mornings that come early. Stories told and listened to, from those long-known & those now-knowing. Walks in silence and picnics in the dark. Prayers whispered for strength and praises for Freedom being lived.

These days have been beautiful. They've been hard.
Above all, they have been FULL. Abundantly so.

Thanks be to the God that is here;
in His Fullness, He is ever near.
In His Abundance, He is creating,
Beauty from this mess.