where I was: the pause

I'm fumbling. Dominoes. Two trails. I'm stuck here and I don't know what to do.
The black game pieces are stacked and when one falls, it begins.

But it hasn't begun. Here is the pause.
I'm searching for an occupation, so I thrust my hands in front of me, grabbing on to anything I can. Anything I can hold and arrange, organize and fix.

I recognize it this time. Recognition seems to be where I've been lately. It's a hard step to climb.
No longer deaf to Truth, but still pulled by the lie.

Caught in the middle. Two trails. Dominoes.
One trail offers peace, the other false promises of control. One set of dominoes is fully lit, and glints with tempting dots of knowledge. The other set is cloaked in embracing darkness.
Darkness that promises light, and a light there is - only to see the next piece. The trail hidden from sight.

"Not by sight, My dear."
My view jerked away from the fully-lit trail. The pridefully lit winding path masking it's reality. The reality it is a spiral. Never taking you anywhere, only bringing you back to where you were.
A promise of consistency. A prison of complacency.

"I know the Way."
His voice calls me nearer to the hidden path.
"Trust Me, and I will lead you."
Each step closer leaves footprints of fear shrinking. Drawing nearer the pad of my foot leaves treads of peace.

"I have called you here for a Reason."
I now look in to His eyes, the light in them illuminating the very place we now stand together.
"I will light the Way. You need only to look to Me."

Here now I stand. My eyes locked on His. He knows the Way.
I need not fear.

[grateful thoughts]

May your weekend be full of moments

of rest that feels like a deep inhale 

& warms you from the inside out

 of days begun with adventure that refuse to let you settle 

for anything less in how you spend the rest of your day

of cups of coffee shared with friends from farther away 

& those conversations that leave you with a smile on your face

of skies so empty, much like your knowledge of the future

& the peace that dwells in the Mystery

Wishing you all a lovely weekend! Looking forward to more writing coming soon, so keep your binoculars on the horizon for more to come in the next few weeks!

tuesdays unwrapped

Having known each other for twenty minutes, we sat like two old friends and gushed about dreams and ideas. I listened as she shared, telling me what she wanted to do, who she wanted to help. Her face lit up, in that way that only comes from dreaming big. From holding an idea, a venture, that just might be "too" big, but being audacious enough to hold it tight and run with it.

Flames flashing and illusions tricking our eyes. Fire dancers and magicians. Accuracy veiled in excitement. With each movement that seemed to exhale - this is me and this is what I love to do.

Talk of a certain pond over breakfast. A meeting of two writer's hearts. Encouragement to take the next step, without knowing what step two may be.

Glimpses of dreams. A friend that changed her major, leaving security behind. A girl's meek smile as she shares of her love for composition, her heart music pouring forth as she opens up. A younger brother's excited plans to create, clay ready in hand.

The sight of a painting, the acoustic strum in a certain song, the folds like fabric in a statue long since crafted. The excitement of the soul as it experiences art. Here I am reminded of His heart for the created. His created, His children. I am overwhelmed to ponder, my enjoyment of the work of hands, is minuscule in light of His adoration. The work of His hands, His enjoyment at the sight of His creation, is undaunted, abundant, pure in appreciation.

He wanted us to meet Him there. He placed within us a heart that beats a little faster in the presence of a gift. He invites us to share with Him. To recognize the desire placed and open hands wide to see and be moved by Him in it.

His heart is to teach the created the love of the Creator. May we turn and open hands wide, desires in palm, and surrender.

That we may know Him deeper.

this is not my story

"Do it. Do it. Do it."

"I want you to write a book."

"Wait, please write a book. What would it be about?"

A few weeks back I sent out a text to a few close friends. It simply said, "I want to write a book." It's funny really, because I never seriously considered this before. Unless you count third grade when I thought I was going to write first date and love stories forever. That did in fact happen. In third grade. Third grade. What eight-year-old writes about a romantic first date? None? Oh wait, no I did. While slightly embarrassed by my own love-sick elementary past, recalling that motivates me to pull out my old elementary school notebooks. There's got to be some good stuff in there, laughable at the least. 

I suppose that goes to show, I love to write. It's the one thing in school I've always enjoyed. Fiction writing exercises in fourth grade, argument essays in eighth, poetry in twelfth. I once wrote an entire literary comparison piece in an ABAB rhyme scheme, because I could and I thought it was super fun. 

It's one of those things that feels as natural as waking up. That must be akin to how the conductor feels as he raises his arms to shepard a symphony in playing their notes, notes like wind brushing across the listeners ears. He knows what is about to pour forth and knows the hilltop the audience will be taken too. Writing like music is a chance to give voice to emotion, it captures, transports, and is not confined to one form. 

I hadn't seriously considered writing a book until Jesus and I had a talk. At the end I made the decision I would. Not because I feel I have an abundance of wisdom to be poured out or some incredible story to be deliciously divulged. Part of me wants to write for the sake of writing. Jesus is also teaching me that He has placed desires in my heart for a reason, and the desire to write is not within me so I can talk and dream about how it'd be nice to write more. Then simply leave it at that - a thought, a conversation. Much like love is not truly love until it is in action. It can indwell us, but it isn't fulfilling all that it was purposed to until it is shown. Love, like paint in a tube, isn't art until it is placed upon canvas.

And here I am. Paint brush raised and feeling whimsical just standing in front of this easel. The words I know for sure are "This is Not My Story". I cannot claim the words, for they are not my own. The setting and characters were chosen by the Author Himself. As I raise paint-dipped brush to canvas, I breathe deep the breath of the conductor. Exhaling as I begin, knowing all that can be anticipated is an experience that will leave me captivated. Enthralled by the matchless love of a Father that knows my desires and calls them forth. So here I go. I'm going to write a book. 

for freedom

I'm here to say - I don't know.
The road before me is veiled to my eyes, but not His.
No longer will I hand you the acceptable answer.
His ways are higher, they are greater, they are beyond understanding.
I refuse to affix blocks in a pattern that conform to comfort.
I'm here to admit I've tried.
My attempts are akin to describing a panoramic view,
the words to justify a scene are like a child's attempt to draw a sunset.
Really any personal effort to capture His essence is like a crayon-drawn sinking sun.

Beyond the chapter He's authored as of late,
the stories He scripted up to these moments -
seem sweetly unattainable, yet they abide in the ink of every line.
His goodness and care laces the black liquid.
He wrote to tell me before this began that He would take care.
Before He called out for me to jump,
arms of ever-comfort were wrapped around.
In action was shown the depth of His love, as on the day the curtain tore.

The eternal love writing He continues to read to me.
Each vowel, consonant, letter an invitation to once again step to the ledge.
And the accompanying embrace always the love-action that shouts -
"For freedom, I came. So I may offer it to you. Now, let's jump."

step Two

We speak of being called to step out on the water.
That first step....
          it's frightening, exhilarating, freeing, scary, crazy, and joyful.

We often stop the story there,
at Step One.

It's funny, now I find myself at Step TWO.
People don't talk as much about this step.

We speak so often of the beginning - the call. And consequently, the end - the conclusion.
What about the in-between?
The in-between. That's where we live.
The in-between is step Two, step three, step four, step five....

I'm reminded of Abraham. [Genesis 22]  Abba calling him to sacrifice Isaac.

Abraham's step Two was rising the morning after the Call.
Step Three was waking Isaac.
Step Four chopping the wood - every fall of the ax, every grunt, every wipe of sleeve against brow -
leaning in to Abba.

Every step is a choice of dependence.

It's here I find myself.
Step one - the Call.
Step Two - the Unknown.

Dependence is being shaped. A heart for adventure being fostered.
This Guide of mine, Abba, He sure knows how to make His children enter in to Life.
I'm learning that's the invitation every day.

"I invite you in to a life ABUNDANT." [John 10:10]

a day off

a break in time from the usual

eyes for makarios that envelope these 24 hours

discovery time with Jesus

classrooms that look like this

sprinkles of flowers in front yards

barefoot baking & yummy smelling houses

grateful that He walks through everyday by my side & uses the world around me to overwhelm my heart with reminders of His grace and mercy.