a journal entry

I was sifting back through the pages of my journal and came across this today. Thought I would share...

I want the words on this page to meet more than just my eyes.

I want these words to see and meet the world with much more than just a "hello" and "good-bye".

I want nothing more than for them to meet you where you're at,

to speak of what's in your heart.

Those thoughts and feelings you could never explain.

I want for these words to inspire, to ignite a fire like none other.

For them to spark a change in your heart and your mind.

To speak truth to dispel the lies.

I want these words to be so much more than me, sitting, listening, writing, thinking.

I want the words that I write, the words that I say to give light to my actions and why I live this way.

For this way is not my own,

and this world is not my home.

I have been purchased by the blood,

I have been vindicated by His sacrifice.

For nothing I do out of my own strength is of worth.

So I throw off my greed of self,

my obsession with my own strength.

I want nothing more than to be frail, to be broken, to be weak.

Because those are the moments when I feel beautiful,

with my hands to the sky and my face to the floor.

When everything in me aches for nothing more than a glimpse,

for even that will be enough-

just a touch of the hem will bring me closer, will draw me in, will satisfy this thirst.

Yet, You give me more, more than I could ever ask for, more than I realize.

You adorn me with grace, crown me with mercy, wash my feet with humility.

Who am I to deserve this?

If anything, I should be the one washing your feet,

anointing them with oil-

and that's what you ask, but in your sweet, tender way.

You beckon me to give You each day

to dream with You that this life can be so much more than it is right now.

Because you love me.

And those words I will never completely comprehend.

I'm in awe that my name and your love even are joined in a sentence together.

Because without you-

I belong nowhere near the town that holds the library, that has the book, that contains the sentence,

where it says You love me.

You have given me so much more than I could ever need-

You shower me with blessings and love me anyways-

You are my Father who loves me and because of this I choose to praise and exalt you.

You are the reason I live and breathe and move.

I found this after a week of learning, and I'm BLOWN AWAY, like no words to describe, no expression on my face can do justice, no volume used when speaking, could ever begin to express how GOOD Jesus is. This week, I've been reminded of His sweet faithfulness and timing. Of how He desires to teach me and draw me nearer every step. And God even used something I wrote months ago, to continue speaking to me. So my desire for including my journal entry was not to point at me in the least. My desire is to turn it back to Jesus, because without His goodness those words of love to Him would not have poured forth. He is the reason I write and move and breath and have being.

So lovelies, I hope you experience His goodness and love this week. He is faithful and just and absolutely adores you beyond your wildest dreams!
Much love,
Ky

oh audrey...

"I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person." -Audrey Hepburn

Some simple little words from someone great. And oh how true they are :)

that overwhelmed feeling

I had a conversation with a friend recently about things that made us feel overwhelmed. Then I went to a shopping mall today. Yeah, needless to say, all the things we talked about came in to play as I quite literally spun in circles with a headache and no idea where I was. I really don't like that feeling. Of not knowing where I am or how to get back to where I started. And if I can't figure that out in a department store, how in the world am I suppose to maneuver everyday life?
"Well," Jesus says, "you're not."
My flesh recoils at those words. Because that means I CANNOT do it on my own. But I try. I try so hard. To make sure everything's in place, to align everything, schedule everything, have control over everything.
But then my good friend Jesus just chuckles and says, "Oh dear, come to me. You don't have to worry your sweet little head about all of that. And there's no reason to either, because you have no control over it all. I do."
I wonder sometimes why I so easily am alluded by the lie that I have control of my life. It's funny because I don't conciously wake up and decide I'm going to plan out every little aspect of my day and make sure I'm prepared for any interruption. It's strange. I feel sometimes like it's second nature. That's why my purse can never be too small, there always has to be a certain amount of stuff in it. Or why I walk out of my house every morning with three to four bags. Because if I do this or that, or if I need that, or if a friend needs this. Then I will be prepared.
But there have been those moments, and they draw me in with their simplicity and whimsy. That day, I spontaneously go somewhere, and no I didn't pack my swimsuit, but by golly I'm going to just swim in my shorts and t-shirt. Or when I forgot that extra bag at home, so I have to be creative or just a little icky and run without socks or wrap a friends gift in a paper bag. Those silly little moments. Those are when Jesus reminds me what freedom tastes like.

Ahh, the refreshing lyrics of the song "Suitcases" by Dara Maclean:

How can you move when they're weighing you down

What can you do when you're tied to the ground, yeah

You carry your burdens, heavy like gravity

Just let them go now, there's freedom in release



You can't run when you're holding suitcases

It's a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart

Lay down your guard, you don't have to be afraid



Just breathe, your load can be lifted

There's a better way when you know you're forgiven

Open up your heart, lay down your guard

You don't have to be afraid



Can you imagine what it's like to be free

Well, send those bags packing, they're not what you need

Abandon your troubles by the side of the street

Just let them go now, believe me



You can't run when you're holding suitcases Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com

It's a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart

Lay down your guard, you don't have to be afraid



Just breathe, your load can be lifted

There's a better way when you know you're forgiven

Open up your heart, lay down your guard

You don't have to be afraid



There's nothing holding you back now, just run



You can't run when you're holding suitcases

It's a new day throw away your mistakes and open up your heart

Lay down your guard, you don't have to be afraid



Just breathe, your load can be lifted

There's a better way when you know you're forgiven

Open up your heart, lay down your guard

You don't have to be

You don't have to be afraid


How lovely is that? So sweet, such a good reminder. So I guess I simply wrote a lot to say, I'm still learning. Still learning what love is. What True Freedom is. And what a wonderful awe-inspiring Savior my Best Friend is.
I hope everyone had a marvelous New Years! And that this year, you will walk by faith, hand in hand, with the one and only Redeemer and Creator of True Freedom.

wait...graduating?

I'm pretty sure the words "I'm graduating" came out of my mouth for the first time today. It's not like I'm already half way through my senior year, or know where I'm going to college, or have ordered my cap and gown. No that was all pretend. Something I just went along with, like dress-up or playing house when you're little. And yes, I'm forewarning all readers, there is a huge, giant, pretty much positive chance that this post is going to be my "aha" moment, senior style. Except I'm not really sure what I'm figuring out exactly. It's finally like my brain is kinda picking up on what I've been doing this entire year so far in prep for enrolling in college next year. COLLEGE. NEXT YEAR.
When did this happen? Can someone please tell me? It's like one of those surprises you get, that is really super exciting, but so unexpected, and so unlike anything else you've ever gotten, that you're not sure what to say or do right away. Right away or ever.
So yes, my epiphany has been had. Officially accepted enrollment offer. (Gig 'em!) Toaster oven has been purchased. (Thanks mom and dad!) Senior pictures have been taken. (Today) And now...
Well I'm not sure. There will still be homework, still be study sessions at Starbs, still be coffee dates and blading...there will still be a lot of things, but those things will change soon. Not like tomorrow the world is going to end soon. More like a soft fading, the way day changes to night. The colors slowly dim, going from warm to cool. Familiar to unknown. To the point where you have to have some One who knows the way guiding you. Some One that won't ever leave your side and will be your Light amidst the unknown.
Glad I know my Light.
Do you know Him?

thinking...

Disclaimer: After re-reading this I realize it very much sounds like mumbo-jumbo, but if you continue reading, you will soon learn that's how my mind is on many days. So apologies for any confusion that may occur due to the spilling out of words from my brain...

I think a lot. And I'm pretty sure 88.3% of the time my mind's just jumbled up. I'm what my mom would call a "thinker".
I think. And I over think. And then I think about the fact that I'm over thinking. And on and on...yet, something I've been thinking about (and yes I did just say that again) is how much I don't say what I'm thinking. In the sense that I don't tell people how much they mean to me near enough.
My relationship with Jesus is the most important thing to me. And the second most important thing are the relationships I have with people. The word friendship doesn't really suffice in summing up the relationships that I am most thankful for. Because I call them my friends, but the word "friend" doesn't even do justice to all that they are. These people laugh hysterically with me, cry sweet tears with me, listen to my "soft-sometimes-hard-to-hear" voice, tell me stories about their lives, go blading and long boarding and "falling" with me, encourage me more than they even realize, and make me remember what really is important in life.
And I'm so thankful for that. For the fellowship and joy shared. The words spoken. The hugs given. And the love poured out. Jesus is so evident in their lives, their every movement, the way they serve and love others.
That still doesn't sum up all that these people are to me, but hopefully some of them read this, and they get a little glimpse of how truly wonderful I think they are.
So friends doesn't suffice, but "kindred spirits" does. And yes, I know I'm pulling out an Anne of Green Gables reference, but I think it does more justice to what I'm trying to express. A less "feminine" name I could say is beshte which is Swahili for "friend, pal, buddy". And I don't know if that has a deeper meaning at all, or simply sounds cool because it's in a different language.
Either way, to all my kindred spirits and mabeshte I'm beyond thankful for each and every one of y'all. I wanted to make sure you knew.
Hope y'all have a wonderful Christmas and remember you're the reason Jesus came and was born humbly in to this world. He loves you dearly and so do I!
Your beshte,
Ky

wanting to write...

I have no clue what this post will tell of exactly. Gibberish will ensue most likely, especially because I just got done writing a paragraph and erased it because I didn't understand it. And when the person writing doesn't understand what has been written, somethin's up. Although Shakespeare had to have just made up something that sounded like gibberish, he did in fact add words to the english language, so some imaginative mind freedom definitely took place. So instead of the following being coined gibberish, I'll call it "imaginative mind freedom". Yes, that sounds much better.
I'm continually learning. Jesus is continually teaching. He is indeed the most patient Teacher in the entire world, because when I get frustrated and whine Jesus gently calls me back and reminds me to rejoice and be thankful. So that's what I'm going to do right now. My "imaginative mind freedom" will be in the form of a list of what I am thankful for, today, this very moment.

I'm thankful for:

a job that provides for the monetary needs I have

a break from school and the sleeping in that will take place as a result

spending sweet time with friends that doesn't include a textbook and homework

girl nights with cookies and cuddling and catching up on life

dogs that bark and wake me up because it means if something does go wrong I'll know

a car that runs well and transports friends, family, and I wherever we want

realizations about life and how much I don't need to worry about things

the suffiency of Christ and His love and grace

the way Jesus wants me to take His hand so we can enjoy this adventure together

Truth and promises and the goodness that wells up from Yahweh

"This resurrection life you recieved from God is not a timid, grace-tending life. It's adventorously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us-an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!" -Romans 8:15-17 MSG

intentions

Intentions. Mine are usually good. Especially for this blog. I had intentions of writing lovely little things every week, but then life got crazy, and write I did not. Not the first time that’s happened. It’s funny, my last blog I came up with these “parameters” for myself on how often I would write. I even published them in a post because then the world would be my accountability. Ha. Yeah, that didn’t worky.

 I knew I wanted this blog to be different though, I didn’t want rules to define how often I wrote. My reasoning for this would be a long explanation, including a bit of my testimony. So I guess a little is this:  I tend to lean towards structure, schedules offer security, calendars give me control, but there is no freedom in law, only bondage. Jesus had to teach me that. And sometimes that was hard, because it meant things not going my way, my plans getting thwarted, but once I reached that point where  all I could do was crawl up on Papa’s lap and meekly say, “Daddy, I can’t. Please show me because I know you can,” that moment was freeing. It was like dancing in the rain. That feeling when the water falls in big droplets on your skin, your bare feet slosh in a puddle, and you just spin and dance-because isn’t that the best thing to do in the rain? So that is what Jesus seems to be continually teaching me and walking me through, and it is why I chose not to set “parameters” on myself in writing.

For me writing is one of the most creative outlets I know. Words have weight, they are lovely and meaningful, and can be shallow or deep, depending on how they are spoken/written and what they speak of and to. That’s why I write, because I love words and the power they have. “I do.” “It is finished.” “Carpe diem.”  And on and on…words are everywhere (and don’t worry I’ll try to insert amazing world truths you haven’t thought of like that one as often as possible). So I guess I’ve come to the conclusion that I have good intentions about this blog, but that may mean I go for months without ever writing. And while the part of me that thrives on planners and organization is screaming “NO! Don’t do it!” there is another part of me that is taking a big deep breath, sitting back, and wondering what whimsical thing will come next in life, and if I’ll get the chance to write about it. And if I don’t that’ll be alright because what’s the use of having a life if you’re just gonna write about it, and not out there living it?